Parenthood

I've kind of had this topic on my heart recently. I'm not really sure how to put my thoughts, fears and dreams into words, but I'm going to try.

We started a Wednesday night class a month or so ago at church called Have a Better Family by Friday    by Kevin Leman. If there is ever a class on parenting, you better believe I am going to be there. You see, there is a part of me that is terrified I am going to mess this up.

I want them to know unconditional love, because they have received it from me. I want them to know that no matter what, they can come to me. I hope that one day they will read this and tell me that they felt that. That they still feel that. 

I want them to be godly men. To know the word and speak it freely. To know that even though their daddy and I love them sooo much, that God loves them even more. That although they will experience all kinds of heartache in this world that God will always be here for them. 

Something that had not occurred to me when I found out we were having a boy, is how strongly I would feel about raising not only boys, but future husbands. I pray that through our marriage they will learn what it means to extend grace when you really don't want to. To show affection freely. And above all, to be respectful to one another. Women are so often disrespected and I pray that my boys will always be the ones to go against that norm.

So, while those are {some of} my hopes and dreams for my boys, there is an underlying fear attached to them. Fear that I will fail them and not provide them what they need to become those people. I know I will fail. Daily, I'm sure. What I also know is that God will always be there. He will be there when I do it right and he will be there to pick up the pieces for them when I do it wrong. For that, I am thankful. 

Motherhood.

About a week ago I pulled up one of my favorite blogs, Enjoying the Small Things, and read her post about the birth of her {crazy adorable, gives me suh-erious baby fever} first son. As always, her writing blew me away, but there was one part in particular that just left hot tears streaming down my face. 

"You know, we've come a long way as women.  Our culture recognizes and celebrates our accomplishments, talents and unique gifts far more than it did fifty years ago.  Much good has come from voices for feminism.  And today, we talk a lot about recognizing and valuing our identity outside of motherhood.  I know that's important.  I have no doubt that if I didn't have children, I would have found fulfilment and happiness in other things and I wouldn't have been any less of a woman or lover or nurturer as I am today as the mother of three.

But I can also say that I am an independent woman who is completely and utterly in love with motherhood--so much that yes, my identity is and forever will be intertwined with this gift--being their mother."

(the post this quote came from found here)

Goodness that resonated with me. I have said before that I really had no clue just how much I wanted.. almost needed.. to become a mother. A part of my heart was not quite alive until my sweet Connor was placed in my arms. A part that grows daily. A part that beats just for them. My babies. 

I can easily say that this part of my identity is the one I am most proud of.  Not in a cocky, "I've got this all figured out" kind of way, because trust me... I don't. I fail every.single.day. (In fact, Connor asked me the other day after I had raised my voice at him, "Mommy? You need to tell I'm sorry to me?" Talk about a gut check.)  I am proud because I can see how it has changed me. Or, really, is changing me.  For the better. 

I am so, so proud to be their mother and not a day goes by that I don't look at them in utter amazement that God gave this gift to me. A gift that I pray I am thankful for daily and that I never EVER want to take for granted.  

This weekend as we were enjoying the slightly warmer temps and Connor was enjoying the big boy swing for the first time, I was just struck with awe. Awe that the simple act of pushing my babies in the swings and hearing their laughter, seeing that twinkle in their eyes fulfilled me in a way I had never imagined. 

I love those simple moments. I truly believe they teach me so much more than any over the top moment can. It allows you to take away all the extra distractions and just be. Just be with them and memorize the way he laughs when you make up silly songs about him swinging so high he is going over the trees. The way that your baby laughs when you tickle him just as that swing is coming up to you and you take note, once again, that his little laugh is starting to sound like a big boy. You close your eyes and hold them real tight and when your toddler asks you why, you say, "Because I don't ever want to forget these moments with you. I am willing my brain to never forget"... even though you know you won't. 

You won't, because they are etched on that piece of your heart forever. A piece that was woven in and made to fit perfectly. That piece I call motherhood.

A Momma's heart

Sunday night I did something that I hadn't done in a while. I watched old videos of Connor. I laughed. I cried. I could physically feel my heart hurting a little... in a good way and bad. Good in that I could hear the joy and feel it all over again. Bad in that it was like a slap in the face as to how much my baby boy has grown up (cue teary eyes again) in the last year. I try so hard to stay in the moment with my babies, because I KNOW.. I KNOW they aren't going to be this little forever. He could wake up from his nap today and no longer be saying, "Mommy, holdge you", in that sweet little voice. It changes that quickly.

You see, I think that the moment you see your baby for the first time your heart becomes the most vulnerable. Vulnerable, because there is a piece of it that you no longer own. It has taken root into that sweet, squishy baby (that will eventually grow up) forever.  You rejoice when they do. You hurt when they do. Like I said, they are it! 

I think the one thing I hadn't expected those videos to bring forth was a little guilt. Goodness, I despise the momma guilt. If you are a momma that is able to be one without it, please share you secrets! While watching those videos I realized just how much his world has been rocked. He was IT and now he is sharing that spotlight. A lot of those videos were of us playing and him (obviously) getting my complete attention. While we have definitely still played, I hope and pray I still made him feel like he was getting my attention. Because I'm not sure I feel like he was. Don't get me wrong, I know he loves being a big brother. He tells me at least once a day that he loves Cade.  It's just that overwhelming feeling of loving someone so much it hurts and hoping they know how much. 

I wonder if I'll ever be able to watch old videos and not cry. Probably not. I think that it is just a part of this amazingly beautiful role of being a momma. When it comes to my babies, I will always be emotional and so, so proud of them. And they will always, ALWAYS have a piece of their momma's heart. 

 I'll leave you with one of my favorite videos. Oh, my sweet baby boy and that sweet voice.

One of those days

Whew. Today has been one of those days that started off like that from the beginning. I stayed up way too last last night (thank you wonderful cup of coffee I had at supper) and Connor woke up bright and early at 5:15. He came back to bed with me after a quick restroom run, which wouldn't have been a big deal except he didn't want to lay anywhere but directly on top of me. And I don't know if you have tried to sleep with 35 pounds on top of you, but it wasn't happening for me. Once we got up for the day he was so whiny and I do not do whiny. I ended up yelling at him before it was even 7 am and my attitude just kind of went downhill after that. It was my fault I was tired and here I was taking it out on a 2 1/2 year old. Ding, Ding, Ding! Mother of the year, right here! 

I hate having these days. The days where you feel like you suck at pretty much everything. It leads me to feeling overwhelmed and, just like whiny, I don't do overwhelmed. It doesn't help that I'm pretty sure our clothes dirty themselves in our sleep and all hop their way over to the dirty clothes hamper, because didn't I just do 5 loads yesterday? I think they also rouse the dust bunnies out of their sleep, because I know I dusted in between loads, too, and now it looks like it has snowed inside the house on every piece of furniture we have. Don't even get me started on the floors. If you need to know how clean or not clean your floors are, let your baby crawl around and look at his shirt afterwards. Like I said, OVERWHELMED! 

And trust me, I know I am blessed to have these problems. I am blessed we have enough clothes to make a pile so large. I am blessed we have furniture to get dusty. I am blessed that my baby boy is able to crawl around on my dirty floors. I am blessed my house is so dirty because that means that I have two precious babies that keep me busy. Two precious babies that mean the world to me and I get to stay home with. I know all that, yet, I still have those overwhelming feelings. 

Thankfully, tomorrow is a new day. I don't care if I have to sing "THS IS THE DAY THAT THE LORD HAS MADE. I WILL REJOICE AND BE GLAD IN IT" over and over again. It is going to be a NEW DAY! Can I get an amen?!

And just because we all need a little laugh after I just spilled my heart all over this page, a little outtake of our Christmas card image. 

Now that's a face that just screams "Merry Christmas" if I've ever seen one! I'll share the actual picture after I get on the ball and get some more stamps to send the last few out!

The times: They are a-changin'

Sometimes it is hard to understand why people are reacting a certain way to a situation until you are in it yourself. Most of the time it is easy to not consider their feelings and just think about how they should be acting. 

It has just hit me that I have totally been doing that with Connor. I have been pretty frustrated with him lately. I felt like his misbehaving pretty much happened overnight and I just couldn't understand why. I didn't even stop to try to figure out, either. For that, I am frustrated with myself. It is easy to blame it on his age, but why?

He was explaining to Cade that this is "Your first wagon ride, Cade. You're going with me."

Why not take the extra time to try to understand? It's times like this that I wish he could have the comprehension for me to sit him down so I could apologize. Tell him that I'm going to try not to be so rash in my judgement anymore. 

But, actions speak louder than words. From here on out in a situation like this one, I am vowing now to take a minute and try to look outside him and see if there is anything else going on that could be affecting him.

In this case, I think it was this cute as a bug, makes me swoon with those big blue eyes and long eyeleashes, little brother. 

He is an avid fan of his big brother...and his big brother's toys. If he had a choice between his toys and Connor's? No contest. Connor's every single time. And now that he is *army*crawling all over the house, he has somewhat rocked Connor's little world. He no longer has the freedom to do whatever he wants, because within minutes of him putting his toy of choice on the floor Cade is there with his hands all over it. 

 Case in point: 

Don't get me wrong. I want him to share. I DON'T like hearing the "mine" word being thrown around so much. I know it is normal, but I don't want it to be constant. I want him to be able to share and ultimately I want him to understand none of this stuff is actually ours, but His. 

HE SWINGS!!! First time in almost a year! He kept saying, "I like it, Mommy! It's fun!"

I know we have a while before he will understand most of this...I'm not naive. But I also know that not trying to validate his feelings, even with his young age, is naive. He has never failed to surprise me in the things he understands and I have no doubt that this would possibly turn out the same way. 

So, boo on me. I was rash in judgement. I realize that now and Thank you dear Lord that tomorrow is a new day!

Side note: Tomorrow is a big day around here. Connor is having a big Toy Story POTTY PARTY!!!! Bye bye, diapers. Hello, so cute I could die, boxer briefs!! Say a little prayer for us. I know he is ready and so am I, but it's still a big day! 

The things they didn't tell me

I read so many books when Connor was a baby. If I had a question for something, I would always reference them or google it every time. If I didn't know the answer, surely I could find it somewhere. While I usually did find some kind of answer or suggestion, there were so many things that I didn't find. 

They didn't tell me that when your baby is screaming so loud you are afraid they are hurt, but immediately they stop once in your arms you will feel like a superhero.

They didn't tell me that as soon as they are in your arms and curl up against you and rest their little head on your shoulder and sigh that deep sigh of contentment that your heart will burst out of love. That you will once again feel like a superhero because you are able to provide that comfort for them.

They didnt tell me that when they wake up for a second only to see you still holding them and then smile at you, that you will be so glad you hadn't put them back in their crib just yet.

They didn't tell me that when, just getting in your babies line of vision makes him start whimpering for you would remind you of all the times you didn't know you needed your momma until you saw/talked to her and will make your heart swell to know you are that person for someone.

They didn't tell me that you would want to just rest with your nose up against their mouth because their little baby breath is the sweetest smell on earth.

They didn't tell me that you will have so many moments of just staring at all the sweet details of them...their nose, their hands, their little feet, they way they shape their mouths with those first coos, that you would be able to pick them out of a crowd of thousands.

They didn't tell me that when they start talking, that along with some really hard moments, you will have moments that will make you want to drop to your knees, hug their little necks and never let go. They will tell you, "I love you, mommy" and you will know they are some of the most important words they will ever tell you.

They didn't tell me that along with what is known as the Terrible Twos is also the hilarious twos. That you will have moments where you get each other laughing and you both end up crying from laughing so hard.

They didn't tell me that I would wake up each day excited to see what the day would bring. Excited to kiss my boys and hug them. Excited for what they would teach me, because that is the biggest thing they didn't tell me. Not only am I shaping them, but they are also shaping me. And for that, I will be forever grateful.

Ebb and Flow

Parenting is a funny thing. As soon as you start to feel comfortable in your current stage, something changes. It might be with what you are dealing with now, but more than likely it is something completely new. 2 1/2 has proven to be a more challenging stage for me. 

Don't get me wrong. There are even more positives, but I am human and sometimes I get overwhelmed with the "not listening to me" talk that we had 20 times yesterday. Currently we seem to be doing better, which is probably why I'm even able to talk about it. It's easy now to look back and think that I just need to chill. Keep on disciplining when needed, of course, but quit letting myself become overwhelmed by it.

We all have good days and bad days. That is just part of this life on earth. However, one thing I am not sure I have been doing enough of is focusing on the positive in the midst of working on the negative. I personally think that is just as big of an attitude changer as disciplining the negative is. I can teach him the "donts" all day long, but why not reward him for the "dos"? 

Like I said earlier, it is easy to say this now while the "too big for your britches" attitude is on a mini vacay (side note: I told him that last week and he looked down at his pants and said, "Mommy, my britches aren't too big!" HA!). I am hoping by putting it out there I'll be more likely to remember that just like in life, there is an ebb and flow to parenting. 

If anything, it sure does make you appreciate those sweet moments that much more!