Wednesday, January 23, 2013

A Momma's heart

Sunday night I did something that I hadn't done in a while. I watched old videos of Connor. I laughed. I cried. I could physically feel my heart hurting a little... in a good way and bad. Good in that I could hear the joy and feel it all over again. Bad in that it was like a slap in the face as to how much my baby boy has grown up (cue teary eyes again) in the last year. I try so hard to stay in the moment with my babies, because I KNOW.. I KNOW they aren't going to be this little forever. He could wake up from his nap today and no longer be saying, "Mommy, holdge you", in that sweet little voice. It changes that quickly.

You see, I think that the moment you see your baby for the first time your heart becomes the most vulnerable. Vulnerable, because there is a piece of it that you no longer own. It has taken root into that sweet, squishy baby (that will eventually grow up) forever.  You rejoice when they do. You hurt when they do. Like I said, they are it! 

I think the one thing I hadn't expected those videos to bring forth was a little guilt. Goodness, I despise the momma guilt. If you are a momma that is able to be one without it, please share you secrets! While watching those videos I realized just how much his world has been rocked. He was IT and now he is sharing that spotlight. A lot of those videos were of us playing and him (obviously) getting my complete attention. While we have definitely still played, I hope and pray I still made him feel like he was getting my attention. Because I'm not sure I feel like he was. Don't get me wrong, I know he loves being a big brother. He tells me at least once a day that he loves Cade.  It's just that overwhelming feeling of loving someone so much it hurts and hoping they know how much. 

I wonder if I'll ever be able to watch old videos and not cry. Probably not. I think that it is just a part of this amazingly beautiful role of being a momma. When it comes to my babies, I will always be emotional and so, so proud of them. And they will always, ALWAYS have a piece of their momma's heart. 

 I'll leave you with one of my favorite videos. Oh, my sweet baby boy and that sweet voice.


April said...

That video is so precious. I can't imagine that there are Moms out there that don't feel Mommy guilt at some point. I could take up pages and pages of guilt that I feel or have felt at one time or another. I just try to tell myself that I will never be the perfect Mom but I know I will be a good Mom. That video is precious. See that makes me feel bad that I haven't been videoing Jonah as often as I should. LOL

Katie said...

I'm teary eyed reading this...oh don't you wish we could bottle up our sweet baby boys forever?!?


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