Monday, August 13, 2012

Mom & Wife with a side of guilt

I expected a lot of things to happen when we welcomed Cade into our family. I knew our love would grow. I knew our days would be different. Heck, everything would be different.. in a good way, of course! What I'm not sure I was prepared for was that little extra heap of guilt that I would carry around with me. 

Guilt that I looked like a hot mess when Matt gets home. Guilt that even though I feel the guilt for that, I still don't do anything about it. Guilt that on more days than not, he has to cook supper or at least finish what I have started. Guilt that I am not able to dote on Cade like I did Connor. Guilt that Connor has watched WAY TOO MUCH TV in the past few months. Guilt that the house isn't clean. Guilt that I clean instead of playing with my boys. GUILT, GUILT, GUILT! 

In the past month I have come across a couple of things that have totally spoken to me and I have finally let it sink in. The first thing I came across was Angie Smith's blog, Bring the Rain in which she was talking about not being enough for her girls. I highly recommend reading the article, but here is the part that stood out to me the most: 
And yet today, the tears came because I felt inadequate. I want to serve them everything they need here on this wood and I wonder if I have.
I cry to the Lord because I know He sees my pain.
He whispers to me…
Your love is enough. And when it isn’t, Mine is.
But still I doubt.
When you love people like this, it never seems like enough. 
Goodness gracious that last sentence couldn't be more true! I love my family more than anything and I am so thankful I serve a God that will pick up where I leave off, because the Lord knows I leave off a lot! 
Along with that same train of thought, I read an email that Focus on the Family sent me yesterday (Go here if you want to read it). Basically it said that when you get to the point of hopelessness, that is exactly where God wants to meet you. So, there is a positive to feeling like this? Can I get an AMEN?! Goodness, I want to meet God there and have him refine me. I want to feel his grace and KNOW that while I can't do it all, HE can. 
In the past few weeks I have done so much better about living in the moment with my boys instead of making sure the house is perfectly clean and it truly has felt so much better to let it go. Do I have days that I get a whiff of a mildewed towel (keeping it real here!) and instantly get mad at myself for not being everything I want to be? Of course! But that is not going to be what my husband and boys remember about me. More than anything I want them to remember that I loved deeply and that everything good thing I have ever done was through God's grace. 
And if they want to remember me for all the good desserts I make in my life or me treating them to some ice cream frequently, I won't complain about that either ;)


Tami said...

Thank you for sharing your heart Kelli! I think we all struggle with these feelings of guilt and we are all a little too hard on ourselves at times. You are doing such a wonderful job and your boys are so lucky to have you, spotless house or not.

April said...

This is a great post and one that I would think all mothers can relate to. I only have one child but I can totally remember feeling just like that when he was a few months old. I could not seem to manage everything (that I wanted to) and I needed the help of my husband. I could not keep all the balls in the air and I was infuriated at myself! But someone once gave me the best advice about that. It is the devil that puts those thoughts of inadequacy in your heart. He likes for you to feel unworthy of love or esteem. He relishes in it. But God sees you as his child and loves you no matter what. I hope that helps you as it did me.

the workaholic momma said...

Thank you so much for sharing all of this....there are so many mommas that feel the same but are afraid to put it out there so that others know they are not alone. Your boy's happiness is so evident in all of the beautiful pictures and your love them is even more so. You are such a wonderful momma and the house work...those dust bunnies don't appreciate you sweeping them up anyhow;) Hope you have a wonderful week!!

Rachel said...

What a great post Kelli. I feel like you said things much more eloquently than I did in my post about the same thing! Don't we just have to remember that we aren't alone. God is always here and we just need to Let Go and Let God take care of us! It is also nice to know we aren't alone as stay at home Mommy's either! Keep it up girl. You are raising beautiful boys!!


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