I expected a lot of things to happen when we welcomed Cade into our family. I knew our love would grow. I knew our days would be different. Heck, everything would be different.. in a good way, of course! What I'm not sure I was prepared for was that little extra heap of guilt that I would carry around with me.
Angie Smith's blog, Bring the Rain in which she was talking about not being enough for her girls. I highly recommend reading the article, but here is the part that stood out to me the most:
And yet today, the tears came because I felt inadequate. I want to serve them everything they need here on this wood and I wonder if I have.
I cry to the Lord because I know He sees my pain.
He whispers to me…
Your love is enough. And when it isn’t, Mine is.
But still I doubt.
When you love people like this, it never seems like enough.
(TAKEN DIRECTLY FROM HER BLOG POST)
Goodness gracious that last sentence couldn't be more true! I love my family more than anything and I am so thankful I serve a God that will pick up where I leave off, because the Lord knows I leave off a lot!
Along with that same train of thought, I read an email that Focus on the Family sent me yesterday (Go here if you want to read it). Basically it said that when you get to the point of hopelessness, that is exactly where God wants to meet you. So, there is a positive to feeling like this? Can I get an AMEN?! Goodness, I want to meet God there and have him refine me. I want to feel his grace and KNOW that while I can't do it all, HE can.
In the past few weeks I have done so much better about living in the moment with my boys instead of making sure the house is perfectly clean and it truly has felt so much better to let it go. Do I have days that I get a whiff of a mildewed towel (keeping it real here!) and instantly get mad at myself for not being everything I want to be? Of course! But that is not going to be what my husband and boys remember about me. More than anything I want them to remember that I loved deeply and that everything good thing I have ever done was through God's grace.
And if they want to remember me for all the good desserts I make in my life or me treating them to some ice cream frequently, I won't complain about that either ;)