I know I have mentioned at least a couple of times that Matt and I have been running. As our first half marathon quickly approaches this Saturday, I have been doing a lot of thinking about how much this whole running gig has changed my life. You see, I never thought I could do it. I never tried it in high school and the one time I did try it in college it gave me terrible shin splints. So, I just assumed it wasn't for me. I think there was a small part of me that didn't believe in myself. I didn't believe that I could be one of those people that could run and not get out of breath. That could run and actually enjoy it.
I'm not saying that it came quickly. It didn't. It took a looooong time before I actually became proud of myself and the accomplishments I was making. I distinctly remember a time where I was running with my sister in law and she had this treacherous hill that we had to run up to get back to her apartment that she was living at. She was telling me how she always felt so good about herself afterwards because she ran it and didn't stop. I didn't understand. How could I celebrate that when I felt like a)I was running so slow someone probably could have walked it faster and b)I was hurting, out of breath and it just down right sucked. I didn't have the capacity to look at that as an accomplishment that day, but I also think realizing it was a turning point for me.
It made me realize that if I felt that way about myself, how were my boys every going to be able to recognize their own accomplishments, big or small? And even more, would I recognize their accomplishments, or would there always be a, "That was good, but..." moment? Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying to forego the teachable moments or not try to improve. That is not the moral of this whole rant I was having in my head. The moral was to take each day at a time. To celebrate it, because how can you ever enjoy something if you don't celebrate?
So, slowly, I started to recognize my worth as a runner and, honestly, my overall worth. Matt was great at reminding me just how far we had come and I have no doubt it was a God thing that caused him to want to train with me. He has been my biggest supporter and that is probably something I haven't told him enough.
So, regardless of my time this Saturday I am already so proud of myself. I am doing something that I never in my life dreamed possible. Something that might be little to others, but is huge to me. And if I were a betting person, I would bet I will be that fool running across that finish line with tears running down my face and grinning ear to ear. Thanking God for using this outlet to change me in ways I didn't even realize where holding me back.